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| well kinda not really.
my computer died on me again. i took the sucker with me to sunny CA. so
i could work on my website. i basically learned CSS and HTML in a week
and made a pretty crappy site. but after a night up and a lot of
panicking over the impending trip to Canada, i've overhauled the site
and made it something worth looking at (i hope).
trip to Canada? what?
that paragraph basically has my life for the past few weeks. i've been
working pretty ridiculously on getting this portfolio website out and
now it's finally finally out! *this makes me happy* i'm also taking a
trip to Canada to visit art/design museums and animation/design firms
*this makes me happy and nervous* i'm pretty excited for Toronto. i
hear some awesome things about that place.
so i've basically fallen out of touch with the world again since my
computer has died and work has absorbed a lot of my livelihood. the
good news is... um...
i have my health?
here it is-- the product of my labors.
My Portfolio Website
enjoy.
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| so in some ways that's a bit of an exaggeration. my parents are extremely happy to see me home. my girlfriend is very happy to have me around. and yet i feel like so much of my time is sitting infront of this computer trying to hammer out a web page.
how's it going you ask?
not to bad.... maybe...
i don't know...
it's silly because i started conversing with myself in my head. i ended up with this:
"i'm a slave to my future"
"isn't that a little melodramatic?"
"NO......... yes"
i guess that's the best thing i can say for the most part. "I don't know." i dont' know where my future is heading. i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i dont' know what i want to do with my life? it's all a big haze to me and what's worse is feeling alone while you're trying to face it all.
the truth in some ways is i'm probably making myself feel alone. i'm probably making myself "know" a little less about what i want to do and probably downsizing my self-esteem in an exponential manner.
i wanted to visit people, i wanted to learn how to sew, i wanted to meet people, i wanted to get out of this house so much more than i have. and yet i think i'm proud of the work i've managed to do this spring break.
to the wonderful girl: sorry i'm acting like such an immature slob. yes i'm frustrated and yes i'm terrified of what's going on in my life. but i'm not alone, and i'm not crippled, skill-less, or dead, so i have nothing to really complain about. *sigh* but i am a bit stressed, and you've helped immensely with that. thank you.
and update on my life: i'm trying to make a portfolio website. i'll post the URL soon-- hopefully it will be up and running smoothly. i'm pretty proud that i basically learned and applied HTML, CSS, and my minimal design knowledge in one break to create this. in some ways it has become my future. metaphorical, physical, actual, ephemeral, call it what you will, but my internships, jobs, connections, artist-residencies, grants, all of it will revolve around this in a way. i don't know what direciton that future is truly headed in, but in some ways i'm creating something, and that's what i wanted to do the most with my life.
i guess i'm not that bad off. i'm definitely not dead.
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| a few days without sleep make you realize how much time there is in a day.
i don't want to waste my time anymore. i feel like i've been materially obsessed with things of late. i think it's a need for newness or feeling reborn or just wanting to be wonderful. perhaps i forget that i make myself wonderful... that my writing, my drawing, my creating-- that's what i want. in short, that's why i became an art major.
while looking over my peer's accomplishments, accolades, and talents, i started feeling inadequate. then i tried to think about the things i've been doing of late. i think i'm done looking over fashion forums. because there's a lot i've been trying to do of late... and for some reason there doesn't seem to be enough time to do it all.
things i want for myself:
-i want to achieve grant money. it'd be the best/next logical step of creating something and getting money for it. it's an award, it's an incentive, hell it's something to strive for.
-the website. i've been wanting to make this for too too long.
-the design minor. i've applied. all my chips are in. now it's up to me to continuously keep creating
-something for the summer. a job. and internship. an experience
and i want to make wonderful things.
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| so i guess in a way this entry marks 'return'. whether that's a triumphant return home after conquering a semester of intense self-discovery through art-- the ressurection of my computer (ali doesn't wear nerd glasses for nothin', with andy's supervision and "my best friend" we ressurected this biatch)
**christian friends: forgive me, i just really felt like saying that. listen to some Bone Crusher. you'll understand.**
LAST but not least, the return to xanga. (for at least 1 entry)
basically my computer was dead for 3 months, and i spent that time reflecting on what makes me a good person, a good artist, umm... and how weird it is to not have a computer and be completely cut off from the world. and yet i existed in a way i never thought possible. in fact, i actually was happy with a lot of my artwork and the work i did this last semester. perhaps i'll have visual representations later.
other revelations. i've decided i want to find myself more in california. i was born here, i have family here, and i have friends here. to all who came to my birthday party: i'm seriously sorry i was such a dumb awkward kid, i was literally shell shocked for a day and a half-- i am deeply deeply touched you came to wish me a happy birthday, and the same for those who could not be there.
and to the person who pretty much got me to write this entry: jon jon. thank you for the good eats, for the birthday treat, and for being a neat person in person (although a bit shorter in person than i thought ;) )
today i realized i have so much to be thankful for. i feel amazing. i have: watched Old Boy and Arrested Development (thanks Justin), old sweaters from my dad, cut my hair twice (and been happy with it both times), read Why We Are Hungry by David Eggers (my favorite author. Hand down. you'll get that last sentence if you love David Eggers.) , been avidly listening to August Burns Red, and i have numerous other things to be thankful for.
i think that's what the New Year should also incite. what you're thankful for. the reasons why you want to further yourself and resolve yourself in order to become a more complete person. New Years should not be a time where we jot down notes of what we want to be like for the sake of sounding complete. afterall, they are called 'resolutions.' we should not forget what we have, then we'll know what we want and can achieve.
David Eggers--
ON HAVING TO HAVE AT LEAST THREE WALLS UP BEFORE SHE GETS HOME Once's he's finished with the foundation, he decides that to impress
her-- and he wants to impress her in some way every day and wants
always to want to impress her-- he will need at least three walls up
on the house by the time she gets home.
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| so its a ridiculous day in a ridiculous week. i pulled an all nighter and a half over the weekend merely to finish a project due tuesday. i'm staying up till 4 AM to finish a project assigned on monday for wednesday's presentation. i have a project due thursday, and i plan to pull yet another all nighter.
the most frustrating thing is when you feel like you're working your damndest. and yet you're still behind. on a brighter note, i think i'm doing some pretty good work and i'm not feeling burnt out. well not so much burnt out as really really tired. but that comes with the territory. i've been resolved to make my last 2 years here my best. seriously... 2 years. they'll be over soon, and who knows where i'll be there.
speaking of where i am... my computer kind of fried itself. i still have to determine if it was the CPU, the MOBO, or the PSU that was destroyed, but in essence, my computer is dead. its a nice thing rather. i'm not up at night with that restless feeling. however it is a lonely feeling. strange that without the presence of that humming aluminum box has become so integral with what i associate with being home. instead i return home and its silent... so i go to sleep.
my videos are done rendering. and so its time to get back to work.
life isn't really that bad.
hope all is well for you guys too.
love,
nathan
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